Kids who knew their family history had higher self-esteem and fewer emotional problems, such as depression. – Robyn Fivush, psychology professor, Emory University, citing a two-year study.

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I received a call from a man about leasing some property that has been in my family. I had never met him, but he mentioned how he had admired my mom in some lease dealings he had with her after my dad passed away. Afterward, I got to thinking about how this small detail softened and mellowed our negotiations as I went back and forth with this stranger in finalizing our deal.

What was it that made the difference? I concluded that the single element that mattered most was that in knowing my mom, he knew something about me. He not only knew of me but he knew my story. He knew where I came from – literally and figuratively. That such a small thing made a material difference signifies how much things have changed in recent decades. Many of us grew up with a larger “relationship infrastructure” – that is a relational support system of people who knew us, cared about us, and who shaped our lives in some way – than we have now.

We grew up in communities where most of our interactions were with people we knew. We mainly had two parent families, usually surrounded by extended family members. (In the 1850s 70 percent of people over 65 lived with their kids; by the 1990s 70 percent lived alone.) We lived next to neighbors, went to school with students and teachers, transacted with shop owners and bankers – who knew us and knew our unique story.

The contrast with today is vivid. We are surrounded by strangers. Mostly those we transact with do not know us and more importantly, they do not know our defining story. They do not know the hardship, the accomplishments, the areas of service and sacrifice, the things we have overcome, our hopes and worries. This state of “no relationship” exists between providers and their customers and between workers and their bosses.

Banks and other organizations have developed elaborate and sometimes oppressive profiling processes with customers to help uncover opportunities to sell more products. These processes are designed to develop sales but not necessarily relationships. Internally they have developed personnel files, skills inventories and work histories designed to help manage worker performance and placement but little to develop the relationship. They collect more and more information online through electronic questionnaires, but they learn less and less about people’s personal story. Technology changes both the content and the process of information gathering in a way that limits the sharing of our story, and this retards relationship development.

Everyone has a story and one of the best ways to cultivate productive, value-producing relationships is to get to know that story. The Wall Street Journal reported on a two-year study that found kids who knew their family history had higher self-esteem and fewer emotional problems, such as depression. A study from Northwestern University found adults who were nurturing and supportive of younger generations were five times more likely to tell stories of suffering leading to personal growth than those who were less nurturing. The power of a story to inspire us, touch our hearts and connect us to others is truly unique.

So if everyone has a story and getting connected to that story is powerful, what can we do to use this great bonding device to build stronger customer and employee relationships? Two suggestions: First, in meeting new or prospective customers including at account opening dedicate a portion of the time to find out about them and their story. Their story may be about how they got to town, this new neighborhood, your bank or something else, but what you are after is what defines and provides meaning for them. For small businesses, it may be how they got started and what they have overcome. Essentially you are seeking to understand the meaningful part of their story: where they came from, how they got here and where they hope to go – personally, professionally or financially.

Second, with employees seek the same insight. A resume tells of their career history but not their personal history. Where have they come from? It may involve what they have overcome, where they have excelled in their private life. What are their hopes and ambitions? What has provided meaning for them?

Yes, taking the time to understand someone’s story will add to cost on the front-end – and you may need to target your efforts. In reality it is an investment. Knowing our customers’ and employees’ individual story means we can respond in ways that return greater connection, loyalty, and more value. Like the kids who knew their family history, a bank that knows the story of its customers and employees cultivates a brand where relationships are more esteemed, there are fewer problems and where doing business is more emotionally and financially rewarding for all.

(Column appeared originally in ABA Bank Marketing magazine – May 2010)

By ROBERT E. HALL

Not to be reproduced without written permission. All rights reserved. © Copyright Robert E. Hall 2010