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This Land of Strangers - Robert E Hall

This Land of Strangers

"..the most important book of the decade." — Richard Boyatzis, co-author of best seller Primal Leadership

Relationships, in all their varied forms, have been the lifetime study of Robert Hall. He brings a rare combination of experience as a researcher, consultant, writer, teacher and CEO in dealing with the real-world relationship challenges of modern organizations. When coupled with a decade of hands-on experience in the gritty world of inner-city homeless families it translates into a tapestry of vivid stories, well-researched and oft startling facts, and strategic insights that weave together the yet untold narrative of society's gravest risk and most stellar opportunity.

Seduced by Information, Repelled by How It is Managed

Logic can convince but only emotion can motivate. – Jonathan Alter

• • •

Our love affair with information is killing our relationships. Over the past two decades the implicit assumption has been that more information would strengthen our relationships. The reality is that our methods for collecting and using information are stifling the formation and development of our connections with employees and customers. Our quest for copious, efficient, low-cost and ever-accessible information is getting very expensive. It is time for Chief Marketing Officers to reexamine how information – which can be so valuable and positive for relationship building – is being managed in a way that undermines the most sacred resource we have: our relationships with our customers and employees.

An example: I recently made an appointment to visit my allergy doctor whom I had not seen in several years. A couple of days prior to the appointment I received an auto-call reminding me of the date. When I arrived at his office, the receptionist gave me the usual fact-sheet to update my personal information along with two pages of detailed medical questions which I dutifully filled out. Then his assistant took me to an examination room where she asked a series of detailed questions about allergies, pets in the house, pillows, filters and the like. She took copious notes and I was impressed by just how much time she invested and how thorough she was even though some of the questions duplicated those I answered on the two-page medical questionnaire.

As she left the room she said the doctor would be with me shortly. In a few minutes the doctor came in accompanied by a nurse. He greeted me warmly with a handshake and he seemed to remember me from my last visit. He then began to read the notes collected by the assistant. As he studied the notes intently he would from time to time ask additional questions or clarify the information. In the process the greeting that had felt warm and relational begin to morph into more of a Sergeant Friday routine that was more cold and mechanical. It now occurred to me that I was providing some information for the third time. And it was apparent from his questions that some of the nuances I had given were not captured in the assistant’s notes. Everyone was so intent on the information, facts, and forms that some of the meaning had been lost and some of the relational glue had melted and was draining out. My touch points with the doctor and his team now totaled six – appointment clerk, auto-call, receptionist, assistant, doctor and nurse – each had efficiently collected, recorded, or distributed information and yet in the quest, meaning and relationship had been sacrificed.

It reminded me of a TV show I heard about where Oprah was interviewing women who had participated in on-line dating services. The women lamented that they had exchanged so much information prior to meeting their dates that there was little left to talk about and discover when they met, and more pressure to just have sex instead of develop the relationship

We have become data right and relationship poor and it is not just limited to customers or dating partners. Just this past week a Chief Marketing Officer told me about an incident with her new CEO. The second day on the job, he sent out a long email saying that he wanted to get know each member of his team. Attached to the email was a lengthy questionnaire that was to be filled out prior to the meeting. She was put off that she had to fill out this long form – it felt bureaucratic and cold and not very relational.

We have become seduced by the allure of information. A recent Nielsen study reports Americans spend nearly a quarter of their time on social-media sites such as Facebook and Twitter – a 43 percent increase over the year before. In business, with our customers and employees, and in our personal lives, information has become the central force of our transacting. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics a growing group of Pediatricians are concerned about a phenomenon called “Facebook depression.” It is the latest set of potential harms linked with social media and the potential for troubled teens to feel more alone, isolated and outcast as they invest more time in processing information absent actual human interactions. Certainly the explosion in the quantity of information collected and the ease of exchange and distribution raises disturbing privacy issues for individuals and for whole organizations.

I believe we have lost sight of just how important the personal process of exchanging information is to building relationships. Being present with someone in the give and take of sharing information often results in nuggets of insight and connection that is more valuable than the actual facts and data exchanged. Sometimes in these exchanges a person shares information that they themselves were not consciously aware until the relational exchange itself unlocks it. It is not just the information that pours out of our brains into our mouth and then to the other person. It is often the emotions and feelings that spill out of the heart and into the heart of others that is more valuable powerful and lasting. It is these emotions that translate into commitment, loyalty, advocacy and motivation – the very qualities that we are so glaringly missing in so many of our relationships these days.

In rethinking our information strategy I believe we must give more weight to how the process of sharing information can be made more powerful. Information gathered in a way that builds relationships which then enables sharing of more powerful information is truly synergistic. We have learned much about how to efficiently collect and distribute information. We must now focus on how to make the exchange itself more useful so that it motivates connection and stronger relationships.

(Column appeared originally in ABA Bank Marketing magazine – May 2011)

By ROBERT E. HALL

Not to be reproduced without written permission. All rights reserved. © Copyright Robert E. Hall 2011

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